


Falling, the missing details

by tooshoes



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Emotional Manipulation, Exhibitionism, F/F, F/M, Mind Control, Mind Rape, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Smut, freak dancing, non-con elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-02 15:20:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6571345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tooshoes/pseuds/tooshoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My favorite episode of Supergirl is #16 "Falling", in which, Red Kryptonite attacks part of Kara's mind. As Freud would say, it kills her superego, allowing the other parts of her personality to rise to the surface. As disturbing as this story was, it revealed so much more about Kara's feelings than we would ever know with her superego filter in place. It was a brilliant episode. But it had a conspicuous limitation:  This is a family friendly TV show, and this dark story calls for an uncensored glimpse into the mind of the Girl of Steel.</p><p>Warning for SuperCat fans, that relationship is not a major focus of this story, but will play a small part in the end. (I am writing a second version of this story <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6849856">here </a> told entirely from Cat's point-of-view, which will have plenty of Kara/Cat).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falling -- The Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every other chapter will be written from Kara's point of view, but I want to fix the one part of "Falling" that I think is flawed: Why Max put Red Kryptonite on the building in the first place.

This Non guy has god-like powers, but he is no genius, Maxwell Lord decided, as he studied the surveillance tapes of his buildings and properties during the recent waves of supposed vandalism. Non’s henchmen barely disguised themselves as they broke or stole a variety of high tech equipment and information, including the secret codes to Max’s satellite. Clearly, Non wanted control of that satellite. Either they underestimated Max’s ability to figure out their plan, or just didn’t think he could do anything about it. The disrespect taunted Max, and he was determined to make them pay.

He decided to set up a new satellite linkup in a most obvious place, on top of one of the taller buildings in National City, hoping to bait Non in.

Max placed the glowing ruby colored crystal among several reflective metallic plates, lined with lead. From most angles, the crystal’s radiation would not be obvious to Kryptonian eyes, until they moved very close, and by then it would be too late.

He looked over the trap with some trepidation. He wished he had more time to set it up. The biggest question mark was the synthetic Kryptonite, that had only been tested on the bizarro Supergirl, and her response would certainly be different than a real Kryptonian. His company had spent many millions of dollars to produce the single football sized crystal, after carefully analysing a single shard of the real stuff borrowed from the DEO. It had contained a few elements never seen on a periodic table, so Lord Technologies had to improvise, and they did a brilliant job. But with no adequate test subjects, he could only trust in the science. The fact that the end product looked more like a ruby than like an emerald really tested  his faith.

He was willing to take a gamble, thinking that even if the prized crystal merely left Non with a mild headache, he could glean some information to develop the technology further.

Max was so concerned about how the crystal would affect the super powered burglars, he had not given a second thought to how red kryptonite might interact with the wooden slab it was resting on, which was beginning to smoke even before Max left the scene.


	2. Falling -- Losing Balance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara had always felt angst about being a Superhero, and about life in general, but her half-glass-full attitude kept her from expressing it.

Hank and the senator both stared at the news report showing a fire atop the tall building, where firefighters were apparently trapped.

The senator turned to face me, saying, “Supergirl, can you get there in time?”

But I was already gone.

I couldn’t wait to get out of the DEO office, where the Senator was shamelessly making moves on Hank. When the emergency broke on the news, I felt relieved that I could spring into action. Saving a few lives always made me feel better and made me forget about my own problems for a while.

Was that bad? Feeling better from knowing that other people were suffering? Was it bad to want to be a hero? I wasn’t causing the suffering, but still it seemed bad to get any pleasure from the situation at all.

I flew faster, hoping the the blast of air would distract me from these uncomfortable thoughts. But no matter how hard I tried to distract myself, I couldn’t escape them. Being a good girl was really hard, and becoming a hero forced me to face inner demons I didn’t know I had. True, when I had held all of my powers inside, and kept everything about myself secret to all except to my family, it suffocated me. It was crushing to always be so much less than I knew myself to be. When I first exposed myself to the world, it was the best feeling I had ever felt, no longer being lost in a lie. But after I admitted that lie to myself and the world, the larger web of lies that had built my life began to unravel. These lies were nearly impossible for me to admit to myself. How could I admit them to the world? And there were SO MANY lies.

When I had hid my powers, I had seen horrors that I could have prevented, if only I had accepted my destiny earlier. Alex always believed I respected her privacy, but I watched with shameful desire whenever she showered. But I couldn’t help myself, because unknown to everyone, except my family, Kryptonian sexual response was not immune to the empowering yellow sun. The only way I could keep the heightened sexual drive in check was complete abstinence and even hypnosis, training myself to see sex as disgusting. Every day, I reminded myself that unleashing that demon would be a disaster for everyone.

But believing that was becoming harder every day, as I remembered how much good came out of revealing my powers. Every day, I would tell the world a little more about myself, and a little more about Krypton, and admitting those lies and secrets was always a relief. But I had only confessed the lies about my powers and feelings the public would find acceptable. A superhero is not allowed to have weaknesses or self-destructive powers. If I couldn’t lie about them to myself, at least I needed to protect my friends and the public from the angst that scarred my soul. 

Today was especially hard, because two friends put my resolve to the test.

First, I ran into Siobhan and Winn fucking each other in a supply room. I acted disgusted, because I could not admit even to myself my real feelings. I was a little jealous. No, a lot jealous. I know it was not fair to feel that way, after I had crushed Winn’s heart. I thought I wanted his heart to heal with someone else. But not with that wicked bitch Siobhan! Anyone but her! But no, not with anyone at all. I could not love Winn the way he needed, but I had always known how much he loved me. I pretended to be obtuse, but how could I have missed it? He had whispered his feeling often, before he knew about my super hearing. And I had watched him masturbating several times to photoshopped pics of me, when he thought no one could see. Respecting him was sometimes difficult after that, but knowing that someone loved me and even lusted after me so much felt really good. I couldn’t love him the way he loved me, but I loved him nevertheless.

Then, just a short time after catching Winn lusting after another woman, I ran into James, who was suffering after Lucy dumped him. My heart leapt, I am ashamed to admit. James was hurting, and he needed for me to be a friend. For him, the breakup was a very sad thing, and I should have felt his pain, not think about how I could take advantage of it. I summoned up the sympathy he needed, somehow.

So I had a lot on my mind before the fateful events of that day. I don’t say that to excuse everything that would happen. But I don’t want to leave the impression that red Kryptonite was the sole cause of my imminent fall from grace in the eyes of, well, everyone. It played a huge role, of course, but it was only tinder thrown onto embers that were already burning.


	3. Falling -- The Stumble

As I approached the burning building, I could see the trapped fireman from a half mile away, and my conscience cleared. A simple rescue was so much easier than facing my life. No ethical dilemmas, and rescued people were so appreciative.

But the rescue was too easy this time. The firefighters had the fire mostly under control. One man was trapped, but he was in no real danger. If a firefighter grabbed a jack from the fire truck, they could have rescued their comrade just a couple of minutes later. If anything, I had actually deprived them of the chance to save themselves and forge bonds between the working brothers. Hardly a job for the girl of steel.

Rather than feel better after the rescue, a surprising wave of anxiety suffocating me. I felt emotionally exhausted, as though all of the fight in me was crushed. I was so tired of always looking out for other people. I felt so tired of the world. The Earth suddenly meant nothing to me. So tired of even living. Even a girl of steel eventually had to bend to the pressures of modern life. I flew home directly after rescuing the fire fighter. I looked in the mirror, and I didn’t like the face that stared back. That girl was not the world’s mightiest woman. She was a weak girl hiding behind a red and blue costume to protect herself from the prying eyes of the world. Or she was a plain looking girl in glasses that disappeared from everyone’s sight. That girl never stood up for herself, never got what she wanted, and was afraid to step on people’s toes. I hated that girl. But I was too tired to do anything about it. Maybe a good night sleep would help me get my bearings again.


	4. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara's inhibitions melt away under the influence of Red Kryptonite

14 hours later, my alarm clock screamed in my ear, and I pummeled it with a flick of my wrist. Man, I felt energized! All of the worries that haunted me the day before disappeared. I needed to take these hibernations more often.

What was I fretting about yesterday, anyway? It all seemed so silly now. Why was I second guessing my motivations, when everything worked out perfectly? Shame -- the feeling was like a poison. We needed to accept who we were. Why should I feel guilty for wanting the love of Winn, when he has so willingly offered it to me? Why should I feel bad for maneuvering myself between Lucy and James? Why did I always make myself feel bad whenever I chose my own best interests?

No more! I resolved. That little nagging voice over my shoulder was gagged, now, and I felt free to be myself. I had been blessed with so many gifts, and had always assumed they were meant to be shared responsibly. But sometimes it was OK to enjoy a gift just for oneself.

I prepared myself for a new day at Catco. By habit, I collected a modest sweater, blouse and pants combo from my bureau, and stared blankly at it for a moment. Uhh...no! What was wrong with me? I had always been invisible in clothes like these, yet I chose them every time. I went to extraordinary lengths to hide my sex appeal. Had it really been my choice? Alex and my earth mom always encouraged me to be invisible. To protect me, they said. And these neutered threads and effects did make me feel safe. And weak. My family didn’t want for me to have any powers, not even those of an ordinary woman. They made me into a G-rated heroine from a Disney movie. Whatever. Those days were so over.

I slammed my closet door too hard, spraying a mist of splinters over the clothes within. Good riddance, a new wardrobe was long overdue.

I opened Alex’s closet and oogled at the various cocktail dresses, which she had thought were fine for herself, but too revealing for me. Which of these would be appropriate for work? Fuck that question. Which was the most powerful? Which was the most daring?

I found a sweet form fitting dress that looked so much better on me than it ever would on Alex! Except for those damned underwear lines. Still I was so pleased with the look, I grabbed my purse, stuffed my costume inside, and strutted out the door confidently.

After walking for about a block, I glanced down at my chest, and saw the lines of the bra clearly standing out. Obviously, this kind of dress was not meant to be worn with an ordinary bra, if any at all.  “So what”, I muttered insistently to myself, “I still look really hot in this”, and I pushed on.

I walked another block, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I quickly darted into an alley, removed the dress in a blink of an eye, tossed the bra into a dumpster, and put the dress back on.

I walked another block, but by then the pantylines were getting to me, too. The lines were subtle, so anyone looking at her might not even notice them. But I noticed them, and they bothered me.

What bothered me even more was my own hesitation. Back in high school, and even sometimes in college, I would show up to class free-buffing, if I was feeling a little naughty. But I never even considered doing that in the working world. Had I become some kind of prude? Not anymore!

I darted into another alley, shimmied the panties down to my unimpressive shoes. As I turned to dispose of the blue panties in another dumpster, I realized a homeless man was there watching me intently. The old me would have felt embarrassed, but I felt daring. I tossed him the panties, blew him a kiss, then realized I wasn’t wearing any lip gloss.

It was then that I realized how much I had been ignoring my sexuality, so much so that I had blundered aways its power at every possibility. Years of listening to everyone warning me to stay invisible and fit in had been ruining me!

I was still downtown in the commercial district, so I stopped by the salon and asked for a sexy yet professional cut, and I was slightly disappointed with the elegant bun the hairdresser gave me, so she didn’t get the best tip. Then I bought some sizzling red fuck-me shoes next door, and topped it off with pink lip gloss. I blew a kiss to the young man who was falling over himself to help me, and was pleased to see a light residue of pink left on my fingertips.

Cat always mocked how I dressed, both as Supergirl and especially as Kara. For once I wanted to impress her. But just looking fashionable would not be enough, with Siobhan sitting there ready to sabotage me at every turn. I was already 15 minutes late for work. Easy pickings for Winn’s make-do girlfriend. I needed to shut that bitch down.

So I would be 30 minutes late instead or 15, but I would give Cat exactly what she has been looking for. I just needed to flirt a little with the guy in personnel, who google eyed me even when I looked like a shy librarian. But dressed like this, he would help me with anything I wanted.

***

When I finally showed up in the office, I was surprised how many eyes were on me. I didn’t feel this conspicuous even when I was Supergirl. I had to glance in a mirror to see if I was revealing more than I intended.  
My excited nipples were poking slightly through the dress, and without a bra, my boobs had a slight bounce. I pondered if that was too much.

But it was too late now to go back. I was in the office. James was frozen in place, and Winn’s mouth dropped open. Even Siobhan looked off balance, as her eyes followed me to my seat.

“What?” I asked innocently. “I was getting tired of my old clothes.”

“Yeah, we all were,” was her dismissive reply.

I ignored her, but glanced around. I saw a lot of shocked and surprised faces, but nobody looked away or flashed disapproval. Apparently I played this perfectly, pushing fashion right to the edge of professional decency, where co-workers feel turned on, but I was following the letter of the law, if not the intent.

I caught Cat’s eye as she walked towards us, en route to her office . Her eyes scanned me as she paused at my desk. “Kiera, look at you, dressed like an adult. That’s promising,” she said, which was about the biggest compliment she had ever given me. She flashed me a look that on other days would make me blush, but I soaked in her admiration today in stride. I could see a hint of disappointment in my lack of reaction to her backhanded compliment, “Hmm…”, then she pressed onto business, to prove she was past it already. “So I demanded a list of replacements for Lucy Lane, like, yesterday”

Soibhan hesitated unsurely, put off balance as I was stealing the show, but recovered quickly. She reached into the pile of papers on her desk, saying, “Ms. Grant…”

But Cat was looking right at me, so I had the upper hand. I reached into my purse, and delivered a small folder to her. “Uh, here you are. I already checked all their references and ranked them according to who you will find least annoying.”

Now Cat was really impressed. “Any Republicans?”

“Two reformed,” I nodded, knowing this was her idea of diversity.

“Excellent,” she marvelled, and I could see she wanted to make me happy, but more importantly she wanted to fuel the competition between Soibhan and myself. She accomplished both goals by reaching into her mail and handing over several tickets to me, saying, “Oh, look at this. Someone gifted me tickets for Club Apocalypse for Friday night to see a Scandinavian DJ whose name I won’t even try to pronounce.”

For a change, she was fishing for MY appreciation, so I smiled brightly, saying, “Thank you! I will put these to good use.”

Cat then flashed a wicked grin towards Soibhan, as if to say: you have lost the ball. Then Cat sauntered into her office

Defeated, Soibhan crushed her now worthless project, and asked bitterly, “Do you even know how to dance?”

“Don’t be jealous,” I soothed her with zero sincerity. “Or do, I don’t really care.”

I saw Winn out of the corner of my eye, suffering. I flashed him a little flirty smile, reminding him that I hadn’t forgotten about him. Reminding him that he was mine.


	5. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara experiences a mood swing, and looks to Winn to set her mood right again.

Putting Soibhan in her place was gratifying, and dressing sexy for work with no underwear was more of a turn on than I could have imagined. I thought that would be enough to make work enjoyable, but I found myself fidgeting at my desk and barely able to concentrate. I hoped Winn or James would drop by for a chat, or at least a quick joke, as they did every day. But I was getting nothing from them today. Did my new clothes intimidate them? Maybe they didn’t approve. I waited five hours, but was dying from boredom. I sent a blank email to Winn with the simple subject line: “Save me!”

I heard his email alert from my desk, and he looked up quizzically. I laid my head on my desktop and pretended to snore. Winn looked excited and worried at the same time, as he glanced at me, then at Soibhan, who sat only a couple of yards away, totally oblivious to our communication. After a moment of thought, Winn emailed back: “Meet me in the supply room.”

I flashed him an incredulous look. I was stunned by the suggestion that we meet in the same room where he had been fucking Soibhan yesterday. I hit reply, and typed: “The scene of the crime? OK, I’ll follow you there.”

Winn faked a yawn, then casually stood from his desk, and walked down the hall. As soon as he reached the end of the hall, I shuffled a few sheets of paper, stuffed them in my purse, as though I was taking them for a delivery. Then I followed Winn’s steps right into the supply room. Winn locked the door behind me, and whispered: “Do you think she saw us?”

I glanced through the walls. “Not unless she picks her nose when she’s jealous,” I said.

“What?” Winn gasped.

“Kidding, she didn’t notice anything” I said, laughing, He was looking so cute. I walked casually around the small room, before finally sitting on the box where Winn got his cherry popped yesterday. “Why did you want to meet in here?”

Winn couldn’t meet my eyes, while I was sitting on that box. He said, “There are no cameras in here, and it is one of the few unused rooms that locks from the inside.

“What do you think might happen that we would need to hide?” I asked innocently, while scootching over to give him a small space to sit beside me.

“I don’t know,” Winn replied, wiping some sweat from his brow, as he squeezed between me and the wall. His body was so warm, it felt like he was on fire under his grey dress shirt. His heart was pounding like a drum. Was he really this excited, or was I just getting so excited myself that my senses were on overdrive?

“You know, Winn, I’m sorry I acted the way I did yesterday,” I said, referring to my disgust upon spying Winn and Soihban in this room. My own voice was shaking. “It was just such a surprise. I had never imagined seeing you that way.”

“It’s OK, Kara.” Winn laughed nervously, then added as a joke, “I never imagined seeing YOU this way, either.” But his laugh died in his throat.

I pinched the tip of his tie and rubbed it between my fingers, as I smiled at him. I gradually turned my body towards his and pressed it against him. “Maybe you don’t need to imagine anything, anymore,” I replied, barely louder than a whisper. His eyes met mine. His desire was at critical mass, I closed my eyes, and leaned in close. I felt his breath on my lips. I felt his hand cup my breast, then slowly, teasingly caress around to my back, before pulling me in tight. Our lips met.

Then the impossible happened. Winn stood up. I opened my eyes in disbelief.

“Kara, are you feeling alright?” Winn asked, as he adjusted his clothes.

I laughed, “Am **I**  feeling alright? Are **you** feeling alright?”

“No,” he replied, “and honestly I’ve always dreamed of a moment like this, and now that it’s happening, maybe I should just go with it. God knows I want to.”

“Is that what you were doing with Soibhan yesterday, just going with it?” I asked, mocking him, though in truth I was impressed at his restraint.

He thought about that for a moment. “We shared a moment. I know she can be mean sometimes, but mostly it’s out of hurt. She is aggressive when she wants something.”

“Wasn’t I being aggressive enough,” I asked. “I’m sick of always being the nice girl.”

“No, it’s not that,” Winn explained, no longer under my spell, if he ever was. “You’ve done nothing wrong. But Soibhan and I have spent a lot of time together the past few days. Her dad cheated on her mom, and it destroyed Soibhan. I can’t do that to her all over again. And I know whatever you are feeling right now, this won’t last. You’ve never felt like this for me before. I know how much you really want to be with James, and I can’t be the reason you lose what you really want.”

I just stared at Winn for a moment. I was feeling rejected and angry and frustrated. Who was he to suggest that I didn’t know what I wanted? For the first time, I felt really free to go after everything I wanted, and until he pulled away, what I wanted was him. Now, I just wanted to insult him for … oh, I don’t know what, anything. But his honesty hit me like a bullet. What he said touched something still deep in my heart, something that appreciated what he was doing. “Thanks, I didn’t know you were this strong,” I finally said, not realizing this was a backhanded compliment.

Winn nodded, and slowly inched towards the door.

“You are safe,” I said, while looking beyond him. “Soibhan is still at her desk.”

“Thanks,” he replied, and promptly escaped, leaving me quite bothered.


	6. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex seem like well adjusted, ideal sisters. There are skeletons in every closet.

The next hour at work was nearly intolerable, just sitting there waiting for an email, or for James to talk with me, or for Cat to call me into her room, but none of those things ever happened. Finally, with still a half hour left in the work day, I had had enough. I walked out of the building and jumped up into the sky, not even checking to see if someone was watching. I flew home in 15 seconds, took a long shower, slipped into a bathrobe, grabbed 2 day old pizza from the fridge, turned on an old episode of “Game of Thrones”, and proceeded to veg out for the next few hours on the couch, before relaxation turned to depression.

I was hurting, not just because Winn had rejected me, but suddenly it felt like everyone was rejecting me. It didn’t make sense, but that was how I felt. I was trying to make a change in my life, and my friends didn’t seem to care.

I felt ugly. As far as the world was concerned, a hideous monster hid under my costume. Before Leslie Willis was shocking me with real lightning bolts, she blasted me with truth bombs on the radio, making all of National City wonder if there were tentacles under my skirt. I opened my bathrobe for a moment and looked down at my body, and I felt like crying. I guessed I looked OK, not the nightmare talk radio sometimes made me out to be, but I was nothing special to look at, either. Why did I feel so irresistible this morning? Obviously I wasn’t.

I thought Winn loved me, but that little speech he gave was a farce. He just didn’t care about me anymore. If he ever did. Nobody really cared about me. They just wanted for me to do things for them. That’s all anyone ever wants from a superhero.

I moped on the couch for 2 hours, until the sun went down outside, and Alex finally arrived home from work.

“What the hell?” she exclaimed when she saw the closet I had broken that morning. I didn’t look up when she came into the living room. “Just left the damage for me to clean up?” she bitched, then her voice softened. “Are you feeling alright?”

“I’m just sick of it all,” I said. “I’m sick of being so different. I’m sick of being lonely. I’m sick of wondering if anyone will really like the real me.”

Alex didn’t move for a moment, taken aback. Then she sat on the sofa beside me, still in her work clothes, and leaned into me. “Now Kara, you’re just having a bad day. You have lots of friends.”

I shrugged, “Ok, I have some friends, but nobody wants to be my lover.”

Alex combed my hair with her fingers. “Oh of course they do. You are a beautiful girl. it’s just hard to find someone who deserves someone as special as you.”

Alex’s words relaxed me. I snuggled up into a ball, and rested my head on her lap. She attempted to massage my neck, to work on the tight muscle underneath. She had no chance of softening it up, but her fingers felt good on my skin, anyway.

We continued watching Game Of Thrones. Some king or other was being pampered by his naked slaves.

I sat back up on the sofa, as Alex’s fingers softened on my neck, then she pushed aside part of my bathrobe to rub my back. That was the moment of no return. I let the bathrobe fall completely open, while Alex’s hands stopped massaging. I turned to face her, and as soon as our eyes locked, I leaned in to kiss her.

“Kara…” Alex whispered between labored breaths, “What are you …”

But her hands belied her words, as they pulled me in close, flattening my breasts against her bullet proof vest. She pushed me down on the couch and climbed on top of me, one leg planted aggressively on the floor, and the other pressing between mine. Her hair enclosed my face, as our mouths danced hot and furiously.

I had felt like I was lost all day, with brief moments of revelation, where I would find my true self. This was one of those moments.

Alex was now pinning my arms above my head, which felt kind of kinky, but I was hungry to feel some of her skin against mine, rather than kevlar, so I pulled my arms from her grip and tried to unbutton her shirt. When she allowed me to breathe, I cried out urgently, “Oh, yes! Fuck me, Alex!”

Alex rolled off of me and kneeled beside the couch, staring at me with overheated caution, barely holding back, until she started to catch her breath. Finally she said, “You haven’t covered up.”

She was not referring to clothes. When I was young, my Earth mom discovered that kryptonians released very strong pheromones. She invented a body wash to neutralize them, so that people wouldn’t sense that I was different. But Alex always believed it was to lower my sexual attraction.

I felt frustrated. Why did everyone want to hit the brakes? I tried to pull Alex back into my embrace, but she pulled further away and stood over me.

Finally, I sat up and tossed both hands up into the air. “Fine! Yes, I haven’t used the stuff all day.”

Alex glared at me, shaking her head, then she buried her face in her hands. “Oh my God, what have we done? How could you be so irresponsible.”

Her words stung me, but I stood up facing her, ignoring my nakedness, and said, “I’m tired of pretending to be someone I’m not. If my sexuality is inconvenient, well that’s not my problem.”

Alex acted offended, and she accused, “So you want to force people to lust after you, like some super whore?”

I didn’t have to act offended. My reaction was real. If those pheromones were as powerful as Alex believed, then Winn must have had super-human self control. I accused Alex back, “So you are saying what we were just doing has nothing to do with you?”

Alex nodded vigorously, “Well, yeah, that’s what I’m saying! Oh, God, what would mom think? This is so embarrassing!”

“Don’t do that!” I yelled, suddenly feeling rejected all over again. “I know you feel this way, too. All of those times when were kids, and you wanting to play doctor and explore my body.”

Alex sighed, as though we had worked this out at length before. “You know that was purely scientific. Mom raised me as a bio-engineer. Of course I was curious.”

Alex had got me believing that when we were growing up. But her experiments had seemed to know no boundaries. Her experiments made what we were just about to do today seem like first grade homework. Everything was consensual, even if we didn’t quite understand what we were doing. But we couldn’t keep pretending like we were regular sisters.

I didn’t have to say anything else, as the truth gradually overcame Alex and she walked out of the room. Finally, she said, “Whatever happened, we were just kids. We can’t be doing that stuff now.”

I was about to object. She wanted to control me and everything, like she always did. She wanted to shut down the conversation, but I needed to talk about it. After all, she started it. Didn’t she? My feelings were all over the place today. I needed to talk about everything that was upsetting me, because it was eating me up inside.

  
I didn’t know how to unload my burden, but before I could even try, both of our cell phones chirped simultaneously.

“Hank’s calling us in,” Alex called in from the other room. Apparently, she couldn’t even look at me. “Get yourself together, and I’ll see you at the DEO.”


	7. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supergirl shirks her responsibilities at the DEO

I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay at home and reminisce and sulk and play with myself and wish I’d never been born. But dammit, Alex got me so wound up, I couldn’t stay still.

Alex and Hank were standing in the middle of the operations room, going over videos with other operatives, and they both ignored me when I entered the room. I had almost forgotten that only a few months ago, Hank and Alex had worked here behind my back, monitoring me. I was just another potentially dangerous alien to watch out for. All of the other aliens were captured or killed. They even killed my aunt, claiming it was necessary, but I couldn’t help but wonder if they had been looking for that opportunity all along. Now they would tell me that I was part of the “team”, but just seeing them together, excluding me from their conversation, made me wonder. After all, what better way was there to monitor and control me than to hire me?

But so long as I was behaving myself and being useful, I was invisible. It was the story of my life, just the way they planned it. Disguise me, tame me, and bring me out when I was useful. But for the most part, I was just a freak and embarrassing to be around.

Ten years ago, when I had known nothing about Earth, Alex was forced to look out for me, and she had resented it. She would ignore me or ridicule me in front of her friends. She would insult me harshly whenever I made a mistake. But when we were alone at home, she wanted to play. Over time, the games made us close, but it was controlling stuff. Sexual stuff. Very private stuff. Scientific experiments, my ass!

Sometimes I still wondered what she told her friends at the DEO about me, when I wasn’t around. Was she two faced, like when we were kids? I knew her friends didn’t care about me, so I didn’t really care about them, either. Caring was too painful.

I sat down on a swivel chair several yards away, and flopped my feet up on the fancy round planning table. Nobody paid me any mind, and I wasn’t sure Hank even noticed I was there. Alex refused to acknowledge me. Just twenty minutes ago, she was trying to steal third base, but stole the ball instead and went home, and now she wouldn’t even look at me? Bitch. I glared at her until she peeked back at me for an instant, then she quickly looked back at the video screen when our eyes met. Caught you looking, Alex! I spun around on the chair like a kid, celebrating my tiny victory. Alex, you wanted me to believe I was the only fucked up person in our family, but you were just as fucked up. And you knew it!

While this childish game was going on, Hank was speaking seriously:

“Two armored vehicles have been attacked in the last six hours, both carrying hundreds of thousands worth of gold. Now, these two goons managed to take out a number of highly trained and heavily armed security personnel.”

“Alien weapons?” Alex asked, not quite on her game. I spun around on the chair again and smiled, knowing she was flustered, and knowing I was still on her mind. Was she still thinking about the couch? Have I drudged up uncomfortable memories? Didn’t bother me. I shifted in my seat, imagining what she was imagining.

“Almost,” Hank replied to Alex, as though no question was a stupid question. “An alien IS their weapon.”

Big shocker, I thought, as I noticed a run in my stockings. Oh damn.

Hank put a photo on the screen, and pointed. “A K’hund, Stronger than your average Fort Rozz escapee. Now, we’ve obtained intel on their next heist, but we have to move fast. Lucky for us, we have an alien of our own.”

I was examining my nails when the conversation stopped. It was hard to keep nail polish looking fresh on nails of steel. Then I was aware that Hank was looking right at me. I looked up from my nails. “Hmm?”

Hank addressed me like one of my junior high teachers had years ago, when I couldn’t keep my x-ray vision from peeping on people in other rooms. “I’m sorry, Supergirl, am I boring you.”

“Only boring people get bored,” I replied. I thought I read that in a book. Or maybe a blog, These nails looked really bad. I would have to do something about them later. Right after I replaced my stockings.

Then I realized everyone was still looking at me. “Sorry, I thought you were talking about some other alien agent at the DEO.”

I spun around again, playfully, and smiled when I saw Alex’s disapproving face. She knew what I was doing.

But Hank was understandably confused. He clapped his hands and said to his agents, “All right, let’s move, let’s move.” Then he added to me. “Do I need to brief you again, or do you got all that.”

I sighed as I stood up. It’s not like he had a complex battle plan. I summed up his whole speech in three words, “Kick...alien...ass!”

***

When I arrived at the scene, the K’hund was already there, ripping off the side of an armored truck. I just gazed at the scene for a moment, trying to understand what a K’hund wanted with all of that money. Why would he be robbing so conspicuously, out in the open, in an area well protected by myself and the DEO. What was he getting out of this. See, Hank, I was listening, but your briefing didn’t even mention that.

Suddenly, two DEO vans arrived at the scene, Several agents jumped out, and Alex demanded the K’hund submit to arrest. Instead, he leaped about 50 feet in the air and made an easy escape.

“Supergirl, you’re up,” Alex called out, like we were a team.

Still a control freak, huh Alex?

OK, if we can’t have fun in bed, maybe we can have fun here. Sex or violence, it was all good.

The K’hund landed in an alley, and before he could run three steps, I hit his head like a cannonball and landed several yards away. His strength was no match for mine, but he could sure take a punch. He stood up immediately, and pointed at me, and started to say: “Your mother…”

“Sentenced you to Fort Rozz, blah, blah, ruined your life,” I finished. “I’ve heard the story. Wanna fight about it?”

Apparently so, because he charged me with blind rage. He was tough, but Alex was faster than he was, and he was easy to dodge. He threw a punch that hit air, while my counter shook his jaw. Then it happened again. And again. I laughed, amused at how pathetic he was. “Is that it?”

But he kept coming, and I was getting bored, so I finally grabbed his next punch, twisted his wrist, and crushed his hand like an egg. Then I tossed him to the ground, and pinned him down under my foot. This was all too easy. He might have messed up my fingernail polish a bit. Tragic. I sighed, then mocked my adversary: “I have defeated White Martians, Coluans and fellow Kryptonians. You? You are not even worth looking at.”

So anticlimactic. He wasn’t even the real villain. He was just a tool of some mastermind, being forced to look up the skirt of the daughter of his jailor. How pathetic for a species that valued combat and dignity above all else. The only thing worse than losing a fight for someone like him was to be pitied.

“Get out of my sight,” I said, and when he hesitated, I added, “before I change my mind.” Finally, he stood up in disgrace and fled down the alley, and I didn’t even watch him run.

A moment later, Alex arrived in her van, and jumped out to help, but was perplexed to see me standing there alone. “Where did he go?” she asked. “Are you hurt?”

I shook my head. “No, no, I’m fine.” I looked over my shoulder, down the alley. “He got away.”

Alex glared at me, as I walked away from her, towards the van.

Try to ignore me now, sis.

***

 

Ignore me she did for the first several minutes of the drive back to the DEO. I should have just flown back.

Finally, she asked in frustration: “OK, Kara, what really happened back there?”

I snickered. “Oh we were just having a little fun, getting to know each other, when it got embarrassing, so I left.”

That shut her up for good, as the other agents shared bewildered glances.

***

When we arrived at the DEO, it was almost midnight, but people were running around like there was a crisis. Come on, people, I gave the K’hund a good scare. He’ll be hiding in some hole in shame for a few days at least. There was no need to work around the clock.

Hank was ready to meet with us, but an agent intercepted him, saying, “Director Henshaw, Senator Crane is in your office. She said you were going to update her on what happened with the K’hund.”

I hung back, bored, muttering, “well, that sounds fun.” I tinkered with a small tablet hooked up to a media center. I wondered if I could get Facebook here.

I could almost feel Hank glaring at me, as he replied to his assistant. “Tell her I’ll be there in a minute.” Then he walked past me, saying, “Can I speak to you for a second?”

Hank led Alex and me into a private office, and closed the door, and began explaining to me like I was a child: “I know you just started working here again, but to be clear, our job here at the DEO is to catch aliens, not to let them escape.”

There, he did it again, talking down to me like I was a child. I hated when he did that! “How about you just get off my back for once, Hank?”

Alex looked at me gently, trying to calm me, saying softly, “Supergirl.” She wasn’t judging. She sounded like she did when she tried to comfort me on the couch, and it made me feel a little guilty, but I was too angry to accept the guilt.

Hank was surprised and seemed a little hurt, the way control freaks feel hurt when they don’t get their way. “I thought we were in a good place here.”

“Oh, we are in a good place--when I do what I’m told!” I replied harshly. ”When I don’t, you come down on me. I’m tired of it! You want to catch the K’hund, go try it yourself! You’re just as strong as me...if you wanted to be.”

Alex felt obliged to defend her boss: “You know how dangerous that is for him.”

I couldn’t believe she said that. I was tired of enabling Hank. “And it’s not dangerous for me, too? Every Kryptonian on this planet wants to kill me, except my cousin. I have to live with that. And Hank could, too. What are you so afraid of? You talk about honoring your people, and yet you refuse to be one of them”

They both stared at me in disbelief. What?! I told the truth. It was long overdue. But their stares made me feel very uncomfortable.

“I gotta go,” I declared, walking past them, out the door. “I work in the morning. Another job that under-appreciates me.”

More stares as I walked briskly down the hall, but I was getting used to it. I punched the concrete wall just as I was about to leave the building, leaving behind a hole as large as a football. Let them stare at that.

 


	8. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at CatCo, where Kara has less sympathy for Soibhan than she had for the K'hund

I woke up late again. The damn alarm didn’t go off. Oh, right, I broke it yesterday. The extra sleep was worth it. I felt great! No time to dilly-dally though. Alex wasn’t around, so I guess she did an all nighter. I raided her wardrobe again. There was nothing as daring what I wore yesterday, but I did find a piece that looked alluring. More assertive than risqué . Actually, it looked a lot like clothes Cat would wear. That should be fun, playing Cat for a while.

I dropped by the coffee shop below CatCo, as I did every morning, but this time I ordered food for myself as well as Cat’s organic soy latte. Then I slipped into Cat’s elevator, where no one could see, and chowed down a sinfully sweet cinnamon roll, chased down by an equally decadent caramel cappuccino. Such consumption is not pretty, but it was a price of my powers. One doesn’t live on sunshine alone.

Now, only two minutes late for work, I crushed the evidence into a tiny ball in my purse, then pressed 40. A few moments later, the doors opened.

Everyone notices when this elevator opens, so I swaggered out and acted like I belonged there.

Typically, I couldn’t arrive at work wearing even new shoes without Winn noticing, but my drastically different attire barely earned a second glance. He intercepted me on my way to my desk, saying: “Wait, hey...That’s Cat’s elevator.”

I turned to explain it to him. “It’s absolutely ridiculous for her to have her own personal elevator, plus horrible for the environment.”

Cat didn’t miss my offense, either, as she yelled out “Kiera!” before I could even swap out my sunglasses.

Winn looked at me like I had lost my mind, and whispered, “You are literally impervious to bullets, yet I’m worried for your safety right now, okay?” Then he ducked away to safety as the tigress approached my desk.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” She demanded with a tone as sharp as a knife.

“Your latte, Ms. Grant.” I replied confidently, as I presented it to her, and Cat almost purred. She was a slut for coffee. “Walking from the main elevator takes an extra 90 seconds, which means your latte is 90 seconds colder.”

“Brazen. That’s a new color on you,” Cat said, evaluating. “I don’t mind it… Yet!”

Then suddenly Cat turned to Soibhan, who had snuck up behind her. “What do you want?!”

My nemesis was holding a tablet up like a present for Cat, with a big smile on her face. I knew right away that meant nothing good. She said with delight, “I’ve got a scoop for you. Can we talk?” Then, after flashing me a glance, she whispered, “In private.”

Cat rolled her eyes a little. I may have been the girl who hijacked her elevator, but Soibhan was clearly the girl skating on thin ice. That made her especially dangerous. Cat turned and walked into her office, gesturing for Soibhan to come along.

Of course, a thin glass wall was hardly enough to keep a conversation private from me.

As Cat settled at her desk, Soibhan tapped on her tablet, and handed it over. “What am I looking at?” Cat asked.

“It’s Supergirl, letting the bad guy go”, Soibhan replied giddily, knowing she had a real scoop.

Cat digested that, then flipped the cover over the tablet and handed it back. “Put this under you hat until we figure out what’s going on.”

“What’s going on is that Supergirl isn’t the hero she claims to be,” Soibhan replied.

“There must be an explanation,” Cat replied. “Maybe it’s another bizarro.”

“Who cares!?” Soibhan interjected. “Supergirl turning bad, and we’re the first to report it. We could change the conversation. We could dominate the headlines…”

“Don’t use media jargon that you don’t understand,” Cat replied. Soibhan was about to argue on, but Cat terminated her with, “That will be all.”

Soibhan then left in a huff, and glanced daggers at me as she hurried down the hall to mope in the ladies room.

What a pathetic little witch, I thought. She was trying to ruin my life even when she didn’t know it was me

***

 

[Behind the scenes, back at the DEO, Alex and her agents have captured the K’hund. He confesses to Hank and Alex that Supergirl let him go.]

 

***

After collecting herself, Soibhan returned to her desk with a new determination in her eyes.

I was talking with Kelly about a floral arrangement when I overheard Soibhan saying, “I’m almost done with this e-mail. This is the scoop of your life.”

What? Soibhan betraying Cat? I knew she was evil, but I didn’t know she had such balls. She didn’t know who she was going up against. Sorry, Winn, but I’d put up with her for too long already. No more Ms. Nice Girl.

With a big friendly smile on my face, I said as I walked up to her desk: “Hi Siobhan!”

“What do you want?” She glanced up, annoyed, then added quietly. “Stalker.”

“A messenger downstairs wants you to sign for Ms. Grant’s flowers,” I said, feeling very pleased at how circumstances provided my cover.

“OK, you do it,” Soibhan insisted, anxiously.

“Well, I would, but Ms. Grant needs me to proof a column for her ASAP,” I said. Only a few days ago, Soibhan would have called my bluff, but she was already skirting with so much danger, she didn’t want to take a chance. She sighed, and stood up. I reassured her, “I”m sure one day she’ll give you more editorial responsibilities, too.”

“Fine,” she said, wise enough not to trust my my friendly smile, but she hurried away to handle yet another of the many daily chores of an office assistant.

I wasted no time. I opened up her computer, and read the traitorous email:

 

> Dear Mr. White -
> 
> As discussed, here is the video of supergirl letting the alien go. I know you’ll find it as scoop-worthy as I do.
> 
> Please know, I really appreciate the opportunity, and I am very excited about the prospect of working for you, and for a new organization where the story comes first.
> 
> I’m glad we could work together on this.
> 
> Siobhan Smythe
> 
>  

Damning stuff. I deleted the video, and printed the email, and mostly I told Cat the truth. No need to embellish when the bitch had already dug her own grave.

Cat thanked me politely, waved me out, then casually picked up the phone.

I didn’t tell anyone else about the email, but the whole office had a sense that something was going on.

When Soibhan finally returned holding a mixed bouquet of flowers, she glanced around, noticing several stares, as she carried the beauties into Cat’s office.

“Oh, these are very nice,” Cat appeared genuinely pleased as she received the flowers, and carefully placed them in a vase to add water later. She did not bother to find out who they were from. She then sat at her desk and held out a sheet of paper, saying, “Now I have something for you.”

Soibhan took the letter, and I saw her posture nearly collapse, before she flopped into a chair.

“Now I know you see yourself as a plucky heroine who broke a story as big as Watergate and then gave it to my biggest competitor,” Cat said, mocking her in a most gentle way. “And I know you think that once the Daily Planet runs the story that you will have a fancy job there. And I know that you believe in the end that I will admire your gumption for scooping me and I will beg you to come back.”

“Will you?” Soibhan asked hopefully, once again showing how poorly she understood Cat.

“No,” Cat continued as though playing with a mouse. “I admire loyalty, integrity and employees that I can trust. Not backstabbing opportunistic little … Imps.” And with that, Cat’s claws came out. “Clean out your desk.”

Soibhan was so surprised by Cat’s change of tone she looked paralysed by indecision.

“I’m sorry, was I using my inside voice?” Cat continued, then pounced on her, “You. Are. Fired!”

Soibhan looked around like she was trying to find a place to escape, only to see me prowling around outside the office, waiting to scavenge the remains.

Cat continued louder, tearing her down. “Now, before you go skipping all the way back to Metropolis, I will save you the bus fare. I had a long conversation with Perry White, and there is no job waiting for you there.”

Soibhan seemed stuck in the seat, until Cat waved her out, and then she left with her tail between her legs.

Winn, ever the sucker for lost causes, kindly asked her if she was OK. Soibhan barely acknowledged him.

When she walked past me, I couldn’t resist a parting shot with a barely contained smile. “Well, I guess that’s your exit.”

She stopped for a moment to stare at me, never guessing I had it in me to push the knife in, then walked down the hall in shame.

My small victory did not go unnoticed. I tried to contain my delight, saying, “Well, that was awkward,” but my smile and gait said otherwise. James and Winn didn’t share my enthusiasm. I needed to raise it. “Not surprising though. She was a bad seed, it was only a matter of time. I know what will lighten the mood. Drinks and dancing.”

I held up the tickets Cat gave me yesterday. James and Winn were hesitant, but they would never say no to me.


	9. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dancing at the Apocalypse

I snuck out early again today. The weather was too perfect to hang around a desk all afternoon, with everyone telling me what to do. Being an assistant sucked. I would quit soon. It was funny, because I had destroyed Soibhan’s career to save my own, but really I didn’t even want that job anymore. I just didn’t want for her to get what she wanted. Could you blame me, after how she had treated me? I fought for truth and justice, and letting her fulfill her dreams didn’t satisfy either ideal.

And now I would live the American dream. Wasn’t it every American’s right to pursue happiness? I hadn’t realized until recently how much other people had sabotaged my pursuit of happiness, and how pathetic I was for letting them. I was blessed with amazing powers, beauty and intelligence, yet I had pussy-footed around, afraid to step on toes. While looking after number two, I never looked after number one, and that wasn’t noble. It was simply foolish.

The first thing I needed to do was find new clothes to cast a spell on the dance floor tonight. Alex had nothing like that in her closet, so I embarked on a quest in the mall for the perfect magical items that would penetrate any shield a man might possess. Today, I would get what I wanted.

After nearly two hours of searching, I finally settled on a  short black cage dress with side slits and silken fabric shifting between opaque and sheer where it mattered. Underwear was out of the question with this enchantment. The “easy” part of finding complementary shoes, perfume and make-up took another two hours, but I was probably too hung up on perfection.

By the time I finished shopping, I was already fashionably late for our date at the Apocalypse. Winn and James were out of the action, hanging loose at the bar at the far end of the club. I could barely hear what they were saying through the ear-splitting music, but it was clear they were talking about me.

As I walked towards them, I felt several eyes diverting towards me, even from couples. That was quite a compliment, especially considering how many beautiful people surrounded me. My confidence was sky high.

“There she is, I see her, “ I distinguished Winn saying among a hundred sounds, referring to me. “I think that’s her.”

Then I emerged from the crowd of dancers, and they could take me in. James eyes travelled over my body like never happened before, and  Winn’s voice turned from recognition to admiration: “Hey! Wow! Look at you, WOW!”

“Yeah, that’s what I was going for,” I said self-assured, then I asked James, “You want to dance?”

James was apparently expecting some small talk, “Uh, yeah, yeah, Oh!” I put my purse on the bar beside Winn, then grabbed James’ wrist and pulled him towards the dance floor. “Kara, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

But I was tired of all the delays and disappointments and second guessing. When you know what you want, you just grab it and go. I pulled James tightly to me and raised my inner thigh against his hip, and he stopped complaining. Then I did a half turn in his arms and made sure his hands settled on my tits, as I leaned back against him, until I could feel the gun in his pocket aiming towards the crack of my ass.

I rested my head back against his chest, and that’s when time seemed to freeze. I just listened to the song resonating through the club:

 

>   
>  It's time for me to take it,  
>  I'm the boss right now,  
>  Not gonna fake it,  
>  Not when you go down,  
>  Cause this is my game,  
>  And you better come to play

 I turned back around in his arms, and moved my lips towards James’ ear, and said, “I love this song!”

He chuckled for a second, since maybe the music wasn’t the sensation he was taking in at that moment, but he agreed politely, “It’s a good song.”

Now we were facing each other in a loose embrace, looking in each other’s eyes. I thought maybe this is where we kiss for the first time.

But James’ excitement shifted a little after seeing my eyes. He asked, “You okay?”

Why would he ask me that? I tried to reassure him with a gentle smile, and said, “I’ve never been better.”

But suddenly James seemed spooked, as he turned away, saying, “Maybe we should, uh, go have a drink with Winn real quick.”

“No, no,” I pulled him back to face me, insistent. “Why would we get a drink, when we are finally getting what we want.”

He felt reluctant, but when I danced, he matched my steps. I pulled him close, saying, “We have been acting like fools, living by other people’s rules. We’ve been so worried about making a mistake or about hurting other people. I’m tired of letting other people decide my life for me, rather than going after what I want.” I rubbed my hand over his dick, through his pants.” And what I want is what the poor man’s Lois Lane was too idiotic to keep.’

“What are you doing?” He pulled away, still unable to accept the truth. “That’s not you, come on, man!’

I laughed, amused that I could see it all now, but James was still stuck in a self-defeating attitude. I had been there before, haunted by so many losses and broken hearts and worries that I was emotionally handicapped. Now I understood that I could be free of all that, and James could learn that too. If we just had each other, and put the rest behind us, we would be living the dream.

But when he turned away to leave, I couldn’t let his ignorance ruin my happiness as well. I grabbed his arm, yanked it back, almost dislocating his shoulder. “Don’t walk away from me! Don’t you understand? You need to get her out of your head.Lucy was a clingy, insecure daddy’s girl,who was afraid and jealous of you…”

“Kara stop,” he pleaded, unable to move forward.

“I’m done pretending,’ I said,  pulling off my glasses. I was sick of all of the lies. I was sick of limiting myself. I was sick of rules.

“What you are you doing?” James asked, putting my glasses back on my face. Oh, that was sweet, James, trying to protect me. Just don’t do it again.

James’ phone rang, and he glanced at the screen. “It’s Cat”, he said, and he was all too eager to move away from me to a quiet place to answer the call.

I hurried after him, still laughing that he was playing hard to get. “Oh, why don’t you just tell her to get back in her litter box and leave us alone.”

James scoffed, and turned away from me to answer the phone, saying, “Ms. Grant?”

I heard Cat answer back, “I need to talk to Supergirl.”

Oh, no no no, I was off the clock right now as both assistant and superhero. And all of this protesting-too-much was getting really tiresome. I came here to have a good time, and you aren’t playing along.

I slipped away, quickly lost in the crowd. All of my friends were holding me back, and I couldn’t wait around for them to catch up. I danced casually as I walked, scoping the club out, and singing along with the music.

 

> I used to hold my freak back,  
>  Now I’m letting go,  
>  I make my own choice,  
>  Bitch I run this show,  
>  So leave the lights on,  
>  You can’t make me behave

I took off my glasses and crushed them in my hand, I began dancing awkwardly with moves I’ve learned from dancing video games and embarrassing solo shows in the bedroom. But I was feeling the music, and my body knew how to move.

I caught the attention of a young man, who saw me prowling alone, and he was daring enough to bump my ass. I turned my back to him, then returned a bump into his crotch. He held back for a moment, while I showed off my assets, twerking about a foot away, then leaning low, so my short dress was riding up a little too high.

I felt his hands lightly touch both of my hips, then more firmly, stabilizing me, as his pelvis ground my ass, his movements synced to my gyrations. His excitement was clearly growing, just like my own.

I stood up straighter, and felt his breath on my neck. His hands slid up the sides of my body, then dared to sneak forward to cup both of my tits. When I did not object, he pulled me in tight, my back to his chest, his face in my hair, breathing in my pheromones, while he humped me in rhythm to the music. This was escalating fast.

I looked around to see a growing audience. Others were dancing dirty, but we were making an impression.

I tried to lean forward, to create more friction. His thrusts pushed the hem of my dress up higher, so that people to the side could see my bare ass. I could feel his dick of steel trying to burst through his jeans to enter the bare pussy on the other side.

His hands released my breasts just long enough to slip beneath the slits on the side of my dress, and cup my tits directly. The slight, loose dress was barely up to the task of keeping me clothed, as the man managed to shimmy the hem up my back. It was not high enough for complete exposure, but just enough that the growing audience’s anticipation was rising as fast as my own.

But as my phantom lover tried to push me to my knees, maybe to climb on top of me, the audience was changing. I heard a few whispers saying “Supergirl”. Someone recognized me! It sent a thrill through me, knowing that in a few moments, I might be fucking someone in public, and destroying that sorry nerdy impression people had of me. In a club like this, I thought notoriety would create as many admirers as haters. That seemed to work for other good girls gone bad.

But something different was going on here. When all these twenty-somethings thought I was just some girl getting inappropriate on the dance floor, it was all in fun. But once they saw who I was, they seemed deflated. Even the man grinding behind me, upon hearing the whispers, stopped suddenly and stood back. He adjusted his clothes and couldn’t meet my eyes.

The rapidly growing disappointment in everyone’s eyes was hard to take, following that intense buildup. I smoothed out my dress and stumbled forward. I felt dizzy from the change in mood.

As I walked forward, the crowd parted in front of me. Nobody wanting to be close, until I saw Winn and James standing perfectly still, in total shock. I straightened up with a hmph, and walked right past them to retrieve my purse. I had to get out of there right away.

Then I remembered that Cat wanted to see me. Well, Kitty, this had better be good, because I was not in the mood for any shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for the lyrics goes to Demi Lovato, whose song "Confidence" was featured in this episode on CBS


	10. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Red K Kara and Cat" have a nice alliteration, but that's about all that relationship has going for it.

I took to the air wearing that slight black dress, but in the darkness of night, nobody could see that I was half naked.

I bet you assumed my costume was in the purse, huh? Really, people, how could I cram  those thigh high boots in a tiny little hand bag, not to mention the shirt, cape, miniskirt, tights and those sorry blue shorts?

The Kara Danvers disguise included loose cardigans and knee length skirts for a reason. Ugh, all of my clothing choices up until now was to hide who I really was deep down. I wanted to let the bad girl out. She had been suffocating forever within that coward of a sister, daughter and friend. Slut shame me all you wanted, I welcomed it.

But what I did not like was the utter devastation I saw in the eyes of almost everyone, when I finally let my freak out. Celebrities are caught naked all the time, often intentionally. When Miley Cyrus’ was naked on the wrecking ball, I remember looks of disgust from some people and half-hidden smiles of admiration in others. I didn’t remember anyone looking like they were watching a tragedy.

  
While my indecent exposure at the Apocalypse was hardly the end of the world, it forced me to pause and think about if I cared at all about what people thought about me. But after the initial anxiety, I realized that I really didn’t care much at all. I’ve already moved on.

I stopped by the secret room at CatCo, where I kept a full costume, then I floated around the building to land lightly on the balcony outside of Cat’s private room. She made a pleased sound, perhaps reassured that I was at her beck and call.

“What do you want?” I demanded, having no patience with attempts to put me in my place.

Cat pranced towards me confidently. “Well, I would like to know if Ashton Kutcher and his camera crew are hiding underneath your cape. Supergirl would never release an evil alien caught in the act of armed robbery, so I assume I am being punked.”

“I wouldn’t assume anything from now on, Cat,” I snapped, annoyed that she would dare pretend to know me.

Cat cocked her head. “Did you just call me ‘Cat’?”

“You branded me in the media as a Girl Scout,” I said, then mocked how she described me in interviews: “Supergirl is brave, kind and strong, blah blah.”

“Yes?” Cat stared at me intently, wondering where I was going with this.

“Isn’t that kind of a stock characterization?” I asked, speaking media jargon to the media giant. “Very two-dimensional. Everyone knows real people have many sides to their personality.”

“Yes,” Cat agreed. “But you don’t get to be a real person. You’re a superhero. You get to represent all of the goodness in the world. As one of your kind said, ‘with great power comes great responsibility’”.

“Well, I’m sick of it! The demands, the scrutiny, the criticisms. I did not sign up for any of it!” I replied, wincing. I turned away from Cat and looked over the balcony, down at the city  “And you know what else I’m sick of? Enabling all of you in your victimhood, saying ‘Oh, well, my building’s burning down, la-di-dah. I’ll just wait, Supergirl will swoop in and save the day...’ Well, get used to the flames, people, ‘cause I quit.” 

“Supergirl,” Cat gently prodded for my attention, and I turned back to face her. She continued in a very condescending way. “I fear that you are having some sort of a mental breakdown. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us, and I’m happy to take you to Dr. Shuman for emergency Lexapro. That is, if your alien brain will respond to the SSRIs.”

What the hell were you talking about, Cat? I wasn’t depressed. I was finally trying to be myself, to be free from all of the self doubt. I was just pissed that none of my friends wanted to help or be a part of the real me.

When I didn’t respond positively to her suggestion, Cat continued with contempt: “In the meantime, I would lay low. This haughty attitude is highly unsuitable.”

How dare she? Lecturing me on _**my**_ arrogance? I sneered and replied, “Well, I learned it from the best: Cat Grant.”

Cat smiled defiantly, apparently proud of being called the best of anything, no matter what that was.

I rolled my eyes. “Wow, Cat, the only person in the world more full of themselves than you is Donald Trump. You are the most arrogant, self-serving, mean-spirited person I know.”

“Now, you listen to me. I made you,” Cat snapped back, repeating that same old ridiculous lie that only she believed. “And you are not going to let me down.”

“Or what?” I challenged her, calling her bluff.

“Or what?” Cat repeated quietly, amazed, her will retreating.

I stepped forward, mocking her. “Wait. I forgot. You’re the most powerful person in National City. At least that’s what they say on TV.”

Cat blinked. She must have felt as naked now as I felt in the Apocalypse, when the fantasy was over, and reality set in.

“You want to see what powerful really looks like?” I said, as I grabbed her by the shoulders. “Watch!”

With a quick toss, I threw her effortlessly over the balcony.

I watched as she plummeted. Honestly, I thought she would face her death with more class. She cried out like a typical damsel-in-distress in the movies. This was a good lesson for her. She was like a spoiled child, who everyone told was special and was told they could do anything. She had believed she was powerful because she believed she was entitled. That was all that held her fantasy together.

When she was accelerating past the 20th floor, I took off after her. I caught up with her at about floor 7, swooped her up like the helpless woman she was, and set her down on the ground. She was shaking as she looked up at me.

Dozens of onlookers had watched the “rescue”, and a few clapped, thinking this was just another example of me saving victim of an accident. I put them straight with my next words.

“True power, Cat, is deciding who will live, and who will die.”

I turned to leave, but then paused to say: “And… don’t _**ever**_ call me again.”

I flew away feeling quite pleased with myself. Putting Cat in her place was long overdue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the little political jab and Marvel reference doesn't offend. More offensive material coming soon.


	11. Falling -- The Journey Down, Part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara gives Alex a piece of her mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is mostly told from Kara's point of view, as her mind is poisoned, but the show includes a few events that Kara never sees.
> 
> Here is a summary of those events.
> 
> [Behind the scenes: Winn and James visit Alex and Hank at the DEO, where they all compare notes on what is happening with Kara. Max conveniently shows up at this supposedly secure headquarters and confesses that the synthetic kryptonite was his creation, and Kara’s infection by the substance was completely accidental. He promises to help create an antidote, which barely reassures Alex, who damns Max for creating in Supergirl the monster he was always afraid she'd be.]
> 
> [Behind the scenes: Winn and James return to CatCo, now armed with the knowledge that Kara was infected by Red K. When they arrive, they find Cat preparing a public service announcement, to warn National City about how dangerous Supergirl has become. Kara’s friends plead with Cat to not destroy Supergirl’s reputation, but they can provide her with no assurances when or if Supergirl will be herself again. Cat knows she has a responsibility to the city, so she reluctantly proceeds with the broadcast.]

I was sewing a small “S” patch to a navy-blue leotard, when I heard the emergency broadcast system screaming out from a radio in an adjacent apartment, followed shortly after by a familiar voice. I listened to Cat trash me, while I poked my finger harmlessly with the needle. I guess I should have been angry with Cat. After all, I let her live, so she should be grateful for that, along with all of the other things I have done for her. Oh, yeah, I did throw her off a building. There was that. I shrugged. Maybe now that National CIty knows I’m dangerous, they’ll finally treat me with more respect. I was tired of being unappreciated. I was tired of feeling like something was wrong with me. Well, maybe there was something wrong with me, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be treated with respect.

I admired my stitching job, then squeezed into my new skin tight costume, while listening to Cat bemoan the rebellion of “her creation”.

I twirled in front of the mirror. The new uniform looked both Kryptonian and fashionable. It fit nicely. It showed off my figure, seeming like a second skin, but revealing nothing of the skin underneath. Maybe that is what I wanted. I wanted to feel desirable, and not like some freak. I wanted to claim the power that all beautiful women had, but not be so gratuitous that people forgot the kick-ass bitch who was flaunting it.

Speaking of bitches, I heard footsteps approaching from outside the apartment. Alex stepped inside brandishing a pistol, and calling out “Kara?”

Really, Alex, a pistol?

She stepped inside and scoped the apartment military style, when she caught a glimpse of me in the mirror. She turned and stared at me like I was a ghost.

“Hello, ‘sister’,” I said, and when she didn’t respond, I struck a pose and continued. “Look! I made my own outfit without any fashion advice from you.”

Alex side-stepped around the apartment, like a boxer avoiding a fight in the ring.

Since she wouldn’t engage, I continued. “All these years you’ve pushed those dowdy sweaters and skirts and sad perfumes on me, trying to cloak my beauty so I don’t outshine yours.”

Alex just stared, as if she wasn’t hearing me. Annoyed, I concentrated my eyes, and set a row of hanging clothes on fire.

Alex finally showed a little life, as she lunged for the extinguisher.

I laughed, explaining, “I needed a wardrobe overhaul.”

As Alex put out the fire, I walked out of the room. A moment later, she hurried up behind me, and finally chose to speak:. “Kara! This isn’t you!”

I raised my hands, as if introducing myself. “I’m more ‘me’ than I’ve ever been. I’m finally throwing out the trash in my life, along with the luggage other people have left behind.”

“Please listen!” Alex pleaded. “You were exposed to a new kind of Kryptonite! It ... It has altered your brain. You’re not seeing clearly.”

I spun around. “Oh, I see clearly. I see everything I refused to see before! And now you are trying to make me feel defective again. Like when we were kids. Remember?”

I walked around Alex, like I was cornering her with our collective memories, and even more memories surfaced while I was speaking: “Mom made such a big deal about those pheromones, but what you did… that messed me up big time! You made it seem so important that we do those experiments, about Kryptonian physiology and human-alien interactions, blah blah blah, and what did I know? I barely even understood English then. You told your friends I was homely and bad, and then in private told me the opposite, touching me everywhere, but saying it meant nothing. You played with my emotions, and then when you lost control, you always blamed it on me, like you couldn’t help it. And then, mom sent you to camp for the summer.”

Tears were flowing down Alex’s eyes.

I paused. I was breathing heavily. I wasn’t feeling right, but I pulled myself together. “But now I remember it all, and I understand why you did it. Now I see how you’ve always been jealous of me!”

Alex shook her head to deny it, to deny every little thing, but she knew it was true, I could see it in her eyes. Still, she insisted, “It wasn’t like that. You don’t understand.”

I ignored her denials. “You wanted to keep me hidden from everyone, and of course you didn’t want me to come out as Supergirl, because you didn’t want me to own my powers. But I own them all now. I can fly. I can catch bullets with my bare hands. I even look hot in a bikini. And that makes you feel WORTHLESS!”

Again, she wouldn’t respond. I walked over to the window.

“No…” she finally said unconvincingly. “I’m proud of you.”

“And when you couldn’t stop me being Supergirl,” I interrupted, “you got me to _**work**_   for you! To retain some control.”

Silence.

I shook my head. “Those days are _**so**_   over. I am finally free of you.” I opened the window and looked up. “And I am ready to soar! Look at that city. All of those people. They worship me. And those that don’t, will.”

“Kara,” Alex pleaded desperately. “Listen to yourself.”

“Oh, cut the big sister act, Alex. We have _**never**_   been sisters. We don’t share blood, and you don’t treat your sister the way you treated me. And you know what the sad truth is? Without me, you have no life. And that kills you! Deep down, you hate me,” I said nodding, and I waited a moment for her to admit it to herself. “And that’s why you killed my aunt!”

Alex’s armor was collapsing, as her tears flowed freely.

“Oh poor baby,” I mocked her. “Did I make you cry?”

Alex wiped the tears from her face, and she could barely keep from openly weeping.

It got to me a little. I guess there was still a little of her baggage left in my heart. But I kicked the last of it out, saying, “You know what they say. The truth hurts.”

Then I jumped into the sky to move on with my life, while Alex stood crying in the ashes of the life I left behind.

 


	12. Falling -- Bottoming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world is not ready for the new Supergirl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Behind the scenes: Alex returns to the DEO, updating Hank on Kara’s condition. At the urging of the senator, who demands that the DEO fulfill its stated mission to protect the city from alien threats, the DEO prepares to take down Supergirl. Max had been working on an antidote for the red K, deliverable via a gun, and he gives Alex the best product he could achieve in such little time. If this didn’t work, Kara would be lost forever, as the only alternative was using the deadly Green Kryptonite.]

No, Alex, I was still myself. Kara Danvers, Kara Zor-El and that goodie-two-shoes Supergirl were not dead. Only the lies were gone. I stopped pretending to be someone else. But I quickly learned that society liked the lies.

I decided to spend the rest of my day at the mall, shopping: New clothes, new make-up, hell even new furniture to fit my new life. Cat had warned the city to not trust me, but I thought that when they saw me looking and acting normal, they would start to accept me. Instead, the looks they flashed my way were indistinguishable from the looks I received at the nightclub-- that same disapproval. It was not the new costume they objected to. Other girls wore similarly suggestive clothes to mostly admiring attention. No, they were objecting to me, personally.

I walked into The Gap, and people moved out of my way, and nobody would attend me. Then I tried Hot Topic, but I guess I freaked them out, too. Come on, people! I had been saving their lives for months now, and this was how they would repay me?

I sat down at a sports bar at the far side of the mall. It was friday night, so when I arrived, the bar was packed, but about half the people left when I arrived, so I had one end of the bar all to myself. I couldn’t avoid the stares of the remaining people. I could hear them talking casually about me, but not much different than if another celebrity was sitting alone at the bar. At least these remaining people tolerated me. I ordered a Bud, even though alcohol did nothing for me, and I sipped my beer while watching a baseball game. I knew nothing about the sport, and I was trying to figure out why people enjoyed such a slow moving game, when suddenly Cat’s face appeared on the screen.

It was that same damned announcement they had been repeating all day, and they interrupted a baseball game to show it! What the fuck? I gritted my teeth, and waited for the announcement to end.

The conversations around me were becoming more nervous. “I’ve heard she has lost her mind,” said one person, and another said, “I’ve never trusted aliens.”

When the announcement finally ended, they cut back to baseball, and the chatter quieted down.

For about 10 minutes. Then the same damned announcement cut in again.

I felt like slamming my fist through the bar. I held back, but my hand was shaking. I picked up a complimentary of bowl of nuts, just to keep my hand occupied, so it would not do something I would regret. I poured the nuts onto the bar, while Cat was saying “she is unstable and extremely dangerous.”

Well, if I was, you have made me that way, Cat! I thought, as I flipped the bowl a few feet away on the bar.

Chatter exploded, and a few people stood up to leave even before paying their bill. Over a flipped bowl? They were behaving like pussy cats!.

With the nuts spread out on the bar in front of me, I casually flicked a finger at a pistachio. A bottle on the other side of the bar exploded. That was fun, so I fired another. Then another. How was that for unstable?

The bar emptied out in seconds.

I stood up to leave as well. As I walked out the bar, people were running away from me. A mother and her infant son cowered upon seeing me.

I shook my head, amazed at the hysteria Cat had whipped up.

I exited the mall like a normal person, then leaped into the air as soon as I was outside. About a half-mile down the road, I saw a small crowd gathering near a giant outdoor TV, over the CatCo building garage. Cat’s broadcast blasted away, filling the neighborhood with her poisonous slander.

I hovered overhead, barely visible from the ground, especially with my dark new costume. This announcement must have been broadcasting for hours, but dozen’s of Cat worshiping drones were still eating it up.

And then a horrible thought occurred to me: Maybe Cat really had made me! She certainly was destroying me, now!

Maybe it was time for me to give my own public service announcement. For good or ill, I would be the one to define myself, not Cat Grant.

I pinched my eyes, igniting a filament within, and my wrath poured down upon the giant image of Cat. The screen exploded in a brilliant display.

At least this time, the crowd had good reason to scatter. My lesson would have been over, except with amazing speed, police officers arrived on the scene. They must have been tracking me somehow.

Then they started shooting me! Idiots! Whatever happened to due process? Demanding that I lower my weapon would be silly, of course, but to just come out blasting should make internal affairs take notice.

But I laughed. They started it. Time to show them I was not to be trifled with. My angry glare was enough to explode their police cruiser.

A black van was following the police car, and arrived at the scene. I blasted the ground in front of it, forcing it to stop. Then another pair of black vans followed. I knew it was the DEO even before I saw Alex emerge, holding a very special looking rifle.

Just like the police, the DEO came out guns blazing. Even Alex did not pause, but I heard her gun charging up, and I knew unlike the pathetic rain of bullets I’ve been pelted with so far, this gun would likely cause me problems, if I let it. With a burst of speed that would make the Flash proud, I flew past the row of agents, knocking all of their weapons from their hands.

Alex fell to the ground, nursing her bruised hands. I might have even broke them. I had no sympathy left for her.

I said, “Classic Alex: Always in time to ruin the fun.”

I hovered in front of her, prepared to move in an instant, as more agents were arriving.

Alex pleaded despite the agony in her hands: “Supergirl… I want to help you.”

More officers and more guns were arriving.

I shrugged at Alex. “Doesn’t look like help to me.”

Hank was now just arriving on the scene, and upon seeing me hovering over Alex like a hawk, yelled out, “Supergirl! No!” He charged me, like a father trying to protect his daughter.

What is it with all of these fake families? We aren’t your daughters, Hank. My family is dead, and so is yours. Get over it, already, I have. Hank tried to grab me, to protect Alex, but I tossed him aside easily. He was no threat, as long as he was expending so much of his energy just to be Hank.

“Please!” Alex cried out desperately. “You have to stop!”

“Nothing on Earth can stop me,” I replied, preparing to put Alex out of her misery.

Alex’s eyes were filled with fear, disbelief and sorrow, as she cried out. “You don’t want to kill me.”

I paused for a moment, wondering what I really did want. Was this really in my best interest to kill her in front of all these people.

I never finished my decision, because J’onn J’onzz slammed into me, sending both of us crashing into one of the vans. Then he grabbed both of my arms, demanding, “Don’t do this!”

So Hank, you _finally_  decided to show the world who you really are. Congratulations. Now get the fuck off me.

I hit the Martian Manhunter with an uppercut that sent him crashing into the CatCo building several stories up, and then I followed him, continuing the fight, while pedestrians below watched and flashed pics with their phones, like it was a prize fight. Happy to entertain you, people.

I’m sure it was quite a spectacle, as we wrecked the side of the CatCo building. We punched back and forth, throwing each other into the building, then wrestling outside. After a destructive 20 seconds of fighting, Hank surprised me when he phased out for an instant and reappeared behind me. Then he hit me with his hardest punch yet, sending me crashing to the ground.

It wasn’t really that hard of a hit. I mean, I have taken worse as a superhero. But something was sapping my energy, and I struggled for a moment to get up.

Hank landed in front of me, waiting to see what I would do. I took a fighting pose, ready to continue, but suddenly I was wondering why we were fighting. Why was Hank so determined to beat me that he would reveal his identity to the world?

That’s when the red blast hit me from behind. I had forgotten about Alex and that special rifle. It was as powerful as I expected, but not as painful. I suddenly felt paralyzed and powerless, as I fell to the ground. I couldn’t see clearly, as my body started convulsing. In the brief few seconds before I lost consciousness, a part of my mind screamed out, and I felt a sorrow deeper than any I had experienced since Krypton was destroyed. 


	13. Falling -- Arising, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara/Alex

My sleep was haunted by twisted memories of what might have happened. At first, the dreams were rather pleasant. Winn and I having hot sex in the storage room, morphing into having sex on the dance floor. Then me separating from my body, and I look down on James and myself dancing, with me pushing him around like a rag doll. Then me throwing Cat over the balcony, but in my dream, I wouldn’t catch her. Finally, cornering Alex in the street, and finding no one there to stop me, as fire explodes from my eyes in slow motion.  Alex raises her hands to defend herself. I raise my hands in my dream to defend myself from all of those images.

Before the dream reached its inevitable conclusion, sleep receded, and my eyes opened slightly. I was groggy and disoriented and felt powerless. I was lying on a bed in the DEO, and I knew Alex was there with me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I was afraid to speak. I was afraid to be myself, because suddenly I didn’t know who I was. I felt like if I said anything, something unforgivable would come out of my mouth.

Finally, I asked Alex, terrified of the answer: “Did I kill anyone?” 

“No,” Alex replied reassuringly. “You didn’t kill anyone.”

I sighed, and finally looked at my sister. “Your arm…” I said weakly, seeing the sling over her shoulder.

“Broken bones heal,” she replied quickly. “This will too.”

I wished she was angrier at me. I deserved it. Her calm reassurance and kindness was killing me.

I turned my head away and just cried for a moment. I remembered Alex had said something about Kryptonite affecting me, but I didn’t remember feeling anything like that. I just remembered hating. I remembered lust. I remembered suspicion, selfishness and the desire to hurt. And I remembered feeling a lot of that towards Alex. And each memory sliced at my heart like a knife. I felt no excuse for what I did.

“It was so horrible, Alex!” I finally cried out. “It was so bad, so horrible! Every bad thought I’ve ever had, it just came to the surface. I couldn’t stop it!”

I didn’t see Alex react; I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, and she said nothing, so I became terrified that she couldn’t forgive me.

Finally, I forced myself to look at her and plead for her understanding. “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said to you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for what I said.”

“Kara,” Alex explained calmly and reassuringly. “You’re my sister, and I love you. No matter what.”

She caressed my face, like some holy angel, bearing no grudge, and only happy to have her sister back.

But she closed her eyes for a moment, then made her own confession. “There’s some truth to what you said.” She paused to let that sink in for me, and now she was seeking my forgiveness. “We’ll have to work on that.”

I nodded, knowing there was an awful lot we left unsaid, but none of that mattered to me now, knowing I had my sister back.

But I wanted to know how all of my friends were. I had hurt them all in some way, though none of them more than I had hurt Alex.

Alex explained that James and WInn wanted to wait with us until I awoke, but the DEO  locked down on security, so only people with the highest security level were allowed in. These weren’t new rules; they were always on the books, but the DEO had been ignoring them, until now, when it’s most powerful agent (me) became a liability, and it’s leader (Hank) turned out to be very different from who he pretended to be. Hank was being detained and questioned by high level authorities.

I buried my face in my hands upon learning of Hank’s arrest. I couldn’t believe it. He had been right all along; no matter how heroic he was, society could not get over his physical appearance.

I learned that Max was locked up indefinitely for his role in infecting me; his role in curing me would only be considered when the uproar died down. I could not feel as angry with him as I perhaps should have been. No matter what he had done, it paled in comparison to my sins, even if he had been responsible for making me that way. Other people would tell me that I was not myself, that I was taken over by some evil force. But that was not how I had experienced it. I remembered making all of those choices. I remembered feeling that hate and lust and ignoring everything that I had always valued. The Red Kryptonite crushed my sense of self. That was a thing I didn’t even know I had, until it was taken away. So I couldn’t totally blame Max for not knowing what he had created. I felt that if my heart was really good, then it wouldn’t have mattered. Max only exposed what was already there.

The DEO had more confidence in me than I had in myself.  Alex told me I would be freed from this room after a day of observation. Until then, the Green Kryptonite shielding in the walls would keep me in, while doctors decided if the Red K was out of my system.

But for the next 24 hours, I would be stuck in this awful room, with my body crippled from green and red poisons.

Alex refused to leave me alone, despite pressure for her to help elsewhere in the DEO. I told her I would be fine. I understood the DEO probably needed her right now, especially with Hank confined.

Instead, Alex found a small TV in a rec room and snuck it into this little prison. With a little creativity, we tore down the mattress from the hospital bed, and fashioned it like a sofa. We sat on the “sofa”, like we would back at home.

No “Game of Thrones” tonight, though. We were stuck with broadcast TV, and under this bunker, only one channel came in. Alex did find some microwave popcorn in a cabinet, so we huddled together like a normal night, watching an old episode of X-Files.

It didn’t matter what was on. We couldn’t concentrate. The “sofa” was uncomfortable. I rested my head on Alex’s lap, like I would do at home when I got sleepy. We acted as much as possible like normal, when we were feeling anything but.

We watched Mulder and Scully acting platonic for about 20 minutes before Alex started confessing:

“You might not know it, but you were right. I mean, _ **she**_ was right. Just not about everything.”

Alex waited for me to judge her, or tell her to shut up. Instead, I snuggled tighter to her.

She continued. “Mom sent me away to a special camp, because she knew I was confused. Dad had just died, and part of me blamed you. My whole life was turned upside down when you arrived, so I was angry and jealous of you.” 

“It’s OK,” I whispered.

“No, that’s not all,” She pressed on. “That much I’ve told you before. What I’ve never told you, what I didn’t know you even remembered … What really made mom send me away was when she saw what I was doing with you. I didn’t know if it was bad. That ...stuff... helped me feel better about you. So I … rationalized: It wasn’t sin, it was scientific. And my … feelings for you weren’t my fault, because you put them in me.  I stopped feeling jealous, which should have been good, but then I wanted you. I couldn't admit it. I’m sorry, I wanted you so badly, but I didn’t _**want** **to want**_ you. So I didn’t know how to act.”

Alex started crying. I sat up, and we reversed positions, with her head now on my lap. I stroked her head and shh’d her.

“It’s OK. Any other day, I don’t think I would understand what it means to lose yourself to your feelings like I do today.”  
   
Alex sat up again and looked me in the eyes, to see if I really understood.

I kissed her on the forehead, saying something we told each other often: “We will always be sisters.”  Then I kissed her lightly on the lips, and said something new: “And we will always be more than sisters.”

Then we alternately leaned into each other, finding each other’s bodies more comfortable than what we were sitting on. Alex got some more popcorn, and we watched another episode in an apparent marathon of X-Files, and we both rooted beyond hope for Mulder and Scully to just stop pretending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only three chapters left


	14. Falling -- Arising, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara/Winn

The DEO released me on Sunday night. When I woke up Monday morning, I really really wanted to call in sick.

Instead, I raided an old trunk for any clothes that weren’t burnt, and finally I settled on a dark button-up blouse, a pink sweater, and a grey skirt over my famous blue and red costume. Then I put my backup pair of glasses on my nose, and headed to CatCo, like any other work day.

When I arrived, I felt sick upon seeing the damage my fight with Hank had inflicted on the building. Although it looked bad, the damage was mostly limited to the windows on the first 10 floors, so when the elevator opened on the 40th floor, I was relieved to see our working space looking quite normal.

I stepped out of the elevator, and I took no more than 3 steps before Winn was on top of me.

“Kara! You, uh, look like _**you**   _again,” he said in his usual awkward way. He glanced around to see who else saw me, then asked quietly. “How are you feeling?”

I looked around. Cat was shouting at two maintenance workers in her office. I was holding her coffee. She shouldn’t be here already. I always arrived at work before she did. I needed everything to be normal, or I didn’t know how I could handle today.

Winn followed my gaze and read my mind. “She’s been here since dawn. Or so I’ve been told. I mean, I’m never here at dawn myself. Not even sure I know what dawn looks like.”

I stared at Winn, and became aware that I was shaking.

“Are you OK?” He asked again.

I looked to my left, and I saw James pacing his office, looking quite disturbed. I felt paralyzed.

“Kara?” Winn prodded gently, patiently.

“I don’t know,” I finally said. “I guess I’m scared.”

Winn put an arm around my shoulder and led me to the storage room of shame. At least that is how I was starting to think of it. We already had a room to plan our secret heroic activities, and now another room to hold our secret shames.

As Winn closed the door beside me, I felt myself relax a little, having bought a little time before confronting James and Cat. Odd that I didn’t feel the same anxiety with Winn.

“Just breathe,” Winn instructed.

I took a few deep breaths, while emotionally leaning on Winn’s support. Sometimes I under-appreciated his support, but not right now.

“Why are you so kind to me?” I finally asked, starting to feel guilty. “After what I did to Siobhan, and after what you saw me doing at the club.”

Winn shrugged. “I feel bad for Siobhan, but you didn’t do anything to her that she wouldn’t do to you, given the chance.” Then Winn added with a sideways smile, “And why would I be upset about what you did at the club? I was just trying to get a better view.”

I stiffened like a board.

“Kidding!” Winn said instantly, always ready with an apology, knowing his sense of humor backfired as often as it hit its target.

I laughed in relief, and also amusement, because he had the opportunity to see much more in this very room than anyone saw at the Apocalypse, if only he hadn’t been such a gentleman. I didn’t want for him to be nice to me just because he was my friend.

“But Winn,” I said, “you do know what I did after that, don’t you? I was out of control. I was so mean, and I nearly … killed people.”

“But you didn’t,” Winn added quickly. “That’s important. It means part of you was strong enough to resist that poison.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know, Winn...”

“It _**is**_ important,” Winn insisted. “I’ve seen what happens when people’s minds are broken, and they don’t have enough moral strength to avoid becoming a monster. It destroys everything in it’s path.”

“Your dad?” I asked, and he didn’t need to answer.

Oh my God: I had totally forgotten about Winn’s father. He had been a good father until a sickness slowly took over his mind and changed him into someone with no sense of right and wrong. Winn was always worried that something like that might happen to him, too. Like father, like son. But it happened to me instead. Winn desperately wanted to believe that our wills could win out against whatever sickness might attack our minds, so he was clinging to the belief that somehow, despite everything else I had done, I had still chosen not to kill. That would give him hope against what he feared was the Schott curse.

“I don’t know, maybe there was still some good in me,” I said, wanting to be encouraging. “When I was really bad, it felt like everything was about me, like the only thing that mattered was what I wanted. I still wanted to be a good person, but only because it made me feel better about myself. So slowly what I thought being good meant got twisted. I justified hurting people as justice, so I could feel good about hating. I couldn’t tell pleasure from love. I started to believe that might makes right. And that happened in just a few days. I don’t know how long I could do that before I couldn’t tell good from bad at all. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for your father, going through that for years.”

Winn turned away, looking like I just crushed his spirit.

Nice job, I scolded myself. Real encouraging. “I’m sorry, Winn.”

WInn barely even whispered, “I don’t even dare hope for my dad to get better anymore. It’s too painful each time I’m brought back to reality. All I want to do is try to learn something from what he went through, and avoid whatever happened to him, but I keep worrying that if the sickness gets me, I’ll be just as lost as he was. What you just said makes it sound inevitable.”

I patted Winn on the back, now afraid that anything I say might make it worse. “You know I’ll help you in any way if I can. Max’s lab cured me very quickly; maybe they can find a cure for whatever happened to your dad, too.”

Winn smiled, despite a small tear forming in his eye. “I didn’t mean to waste your time with my worries. I know you have more important things to deal with.”

“Absolutely not! Being with you right now is exactly what I need! I don’t know how I’m going to face Cat, after what I did. She’s going see how guilty I feel, and then know who I really am, and I don’t know how I can deal with that. And then talking to James...I just want to disappear back into the phantom zone.”

“Just open up and tell the truth, and they’ll have to forgive you” Winn said confidently. “James knows it wasn’t your fault. Cat knows, too. Even before we heard of the red K, we knew something was very wrong. I mean, watching you toss people off buildings and fight with the police was a big clue, but when you actually kissed me, I should have known right then it wasn’t really you.”

Winn was smiling awkwardly, like he was expecting a BFF laugh, but I didn’t find that funny. I could see pain in his eyes. Despite the fling with Siobhan, I knew he was still in love with me, and when I had kissed him, it gave him hope. Something I had done under the red K actually made someone feel good! And now just by being myself, I have taken that away from him and made him feel rejected all over again.

“Well, it was mostly me,” I teased him. “That was only the second day. The red K just made me feel a little…” I trailed off, embarrassed to say.

“It’s OK, Kara,” Winn waved my attempt at sympathy off.

Then, surprising both Winn and myself, I walked up to him. He stumbled back against the wall, but then I pressed my chest up against his so our faces were just a couple inches apart.

“This feels like deja vu,” Winn said nervously. “Is this you, or are you still not quite yourself?”

“This is all me,” I said, though really I wasn’t sure. I thought I was all me even under the red K’s influence. “You said to be honest, and I’m trying to be. I don’t know if we'll ever be more than friends, but if we never are, it’s not because you aren’t good enough. I was being really selfish the last time we were in here, so you know I must have wanted it. I care a lot about you, and if this is a mistake, it will be our mistake, not something we did under some outside influence, and I believe our friendship will be strong enough to handle one real kiss.”

With that, Winn put his arms around me and kissed me like he had been saving it up since day one. I expected he would kiss as awkwardly as he talked sometimes, but damn! He knew exactly how to use his lips and his hands and his tongue. My knees felt weak. Wow, Siobhan, was he half this good with you?

  
This would end with a kiss, and when our feelings had boiled over and started to settle, Winn held me for a about a minute. I felt all of my stress ebbing away. This was worth any drama it might cause later.

“You make a good argument,” I finally said. Just don’t thank me, Winn.

Winn laughed, and he didn’t.

“We need to do this again some time,” I said while collecting myself and my belongings. “Now I feel like I can handle anything.”

Winn looked much more confident now, as he said, “Good luck out there.”

I smiled as I opened the door and left the room.

Only to literally bump into Cat Grant, as she was walking who knows where.

I was paralyzed.

“Oh!” Cat said, jumping in surprise. Then her eyes glared at me in disgust. She shook her head: “Well look here, it’s Jan Brady time-warped from the 70s. Last week you were a real go-getter with that stunning black dress. Now you look like you are auditioning for a throwback sitcom. Very disappointing. But thanks for the coffee.”

Cat snatched the room temperature coffee from my hand and sauntered down the hall.

She seemed to have completely forgotten being thrown from the 40th floor. That was something that would alway haunt me.

When the coast was clear, Winn followed me out of the room, and he put me in a half embrace. I leaned into him. I was not as ready to face the music as I had thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long getting this chapter out. Work just beat me down. But now the weekend begins, and just maybe I can get the next chapter done before the weekend is over. Only 2 chapters left.


	15. Falling -- Arising, part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara/James

I stood outside James’ office for as long as I possibly could, without anyone noticing, deciding what to tell him. How to tell him. How much to tell him. How much to lie.

I wanted to tell big lies. I wanted to tell him that the girl pushing him around, being mean, acting slutty and grinding her bare ass against a stranger was not me at all but a total imposter. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t remember any of it, because I wasn’t in my body while it happened. I wanted to spare him the truth, which would hurt him, and he didn’t deserve to be hurt.

But I couldn’t tell him that, because I _did_ deserve to be hurt. That was really _me_ doing those terrible things, and those were _my_ choices. I had felt in control at the time, and I remembered every detail of what I did and felt, so did it matter if the red K affected my thinking? No, if I accepted the excuse, it would be a lie, and the lie would not be to spare him, it would be to spare me the shame of my actions.

Everyone got to see a part of me that was always there. They would always wonder if I denied the truth. So I needed to admit everything, bite the bullet, and hope at least my friends could still care about a girl who could ever feel that way. Because as much as I wanted to deny it, that girl was me.

I looked again through the glass walls. James was packing up his photography equipment with a somber look on his face, like he intended to leave forever, and that scared me enough to finally make a move.

I finally squirmed through his office door, ready to jump back out if this got to be too much. I couldn’t move any closer. I couldn’t even look at James. Instead I looked around at all of the photographs he had hung on the walls. They were mostly pictures of Metropolis and Kal and even a couple of Lucy. That’s when I noticed that none of the pictures were of me. Feelings of rejection and stupidity flooded me, crushing my heart, and I wanted to run away.

But James finally looked up. He asked gently: “Hey… Are you OK?”

I took a deep breath and stepped towards him. “Uh … no.”

James continued packing, while he looked patiently and sadly towards me. He was not biting my head off, but he was also not making this easy for me. I forced myself to meet his eyes the best I could, and say: “About the other night…”

“Listen, I know,“ James interrupted, sensing how hard this was for me. His eyes then darted about, avoiding mine, when he added, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Ohhhh,” I said, taking a half step back, “Why do I get the feeling we are not OK?”

“Because we’re not,” he quickly added, nodding with certainty.

So finally I knew where he stood. Knowing did not make me feel better, but made it easier to go forward, and to try and explain myself. “Listen, I would never have said those things I said to you. I would never have hurt you or done what I did. I did not even mean what I said about Lucy.”

“But there had to be something to it, Kara,” James said, shaking his head, having trouble even thinking about it or looking me in the eyes. “Ok, I mean just to know you have that anger and those cravings inside...”

“No!” I stepped forward, forcing him to face me. “You know me! You do! I get upset sometimes, but I’m not usually an angry person. I have feelings I’m not proud of, but I don’t throw them in people’s faces. And I don’t hate Lucy, I promise.”

James was quiet, still unsure what to think.

I took a deep breath, feeling emotionally cornered. I had to confess, there was no other way through this. “I was jealous of her. I’ve always been jealous of her. I would be jealous of anyone you loved.”

He still did not respond, forcing me to confess it all.

I opened myself up, baring my heart to his arrows. “James … I ...I”

“Don’t! Don’t finish that sentence,” He interrupted, shutting the conversation down, and making me feel like my confession was worse than even my sin, but also showing the struggle in his own heart. “Despite what you said, I’m not sure how much I really know you. And you don’t really know me at all, apart from this small part of our lives. I need some time … to think.”

I didn’t know how to respond, as James finished packing his gear. I couldn’t take inventory of my feelings. Was this my fault or his fault? Was I really in love with him, or was I investing my deepest emotions in someone who was incapable of loving me in return? Was I really capable of committing to one person? Was he? Was I capable of even being honest with myself?

“OK,” I finally said, as he started to walk out of the office without even saying goodbye. I had a lot of thinking to do, too.

I buried my face in my hands, afraid that I had lost James completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short one. Only one chapter and ship left to go, but that will be much longer, and will take more time. Sorry.


	16. Falling -- Back Where She Belongs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara/Cat

Fortunately, Ms Grant was so busy with interviews and dealing with the fallout from the Supergirl fiasco that she didn’t call me once into her office. So I sat like a hermit at my desk, avoiding everyone. Winn wanted to lift my spirits, but I didn’t want my spirits lifted. I wanted to rediscover myself and find my place in the world again.

At 5 pm, I hurried out of CatCo and walked around National City for an hour or two, just looking at the city from angles I rarely saw it from. I heard a brawl breaking out in a bar, despite the early hour, but I decided to let the police handle that. I didn’t want to see the bad things. I would overlook the sins of the city today, the way I hoped they would overlook my sins.

Because I loved this city. The lights. All the windows. I loved that behind every window there was a story. Someone was eating take-out with their boyfriend. Someone was playing board games with their kids. To me, every person in this city was a light. And every time I’ve helped one of them, a little bit of their light has become part of me.

But the city no longer loved me. The city looked at me like James looked at me. Like I was a stranger. I wished I could turn my super-hearing off completely, because I could hear my name being mentioned everywhere. Some people were forgiving. Others said things that I wanted to erase immediately from my memory.

When the day turned into night, I was back at CatCo, having walked in a large circle. I think I meant to do that. The balcony near the top of the building was still lit, because Cat was working late tonight.

I changed into Supergirl, then flew up stealthily, landing on Cat's balcony. I walked to the threshold of the balcony, leading to Cat’s lounge. The whole office was lit, and I could hear Cat chatting in another room on the phone. I didn’t want to barge in or disturb her, so I slunk in a dark corner of the luxurious balcony and sat on the arm of a chair. If she saw me, she could come out, or she could just walk away. I would leave the decision up to her.

The city looked beautiful from up here. A few days ago, I felt like I was above it all standing on the high perch, like I was ruling over the city. Today, I felt very small, like an acorn hanging from a huge tree in a huge forest. I felt humbled. The breeze felt refreshing.

I could hear Cat now breathing by the doorway. Her heart was beating a bit faster, but she said nothing.

I couldn’t look at her, or even say what I wanted to say, but I started talking because I needed to say something. “A couple months ago, when I lost my powers, I stopped a robbery just by appealing to the robbers’ better natures. Just a week ago, I saw some kids bullying this little girl, but when I showed up, the bullies turned into such softies, not because they were afraid of me, but because of what I represented. This was never something I earned. I always felt like my gift wasn’t my powers, but the symbol I had become, and it was such an honor. I’ve never been happier than when I’ve been Supergirl. But having the powers is not the same, when my name is stained. I know what happened wasn’t exactly my fault. My brain was altered. But it brought something inside of me out that was ... mean and horrible.” After that long monologue, I started choking up, needing to finally apologize, right then. I met Cat’s eyes, and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing in mine: “And what I did to you Ms. Grant…”

“Oh please… I’ve base jumped Mount Kilimanjaro, do you really think you scared me?” Cat interrupted. I couldn’t tell if she was more embarrassed by the weakness she had shown that night, or the weakness I was showing right now. But she quickly decided to be honest. “Well...OK, yes, you did scare me.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry…” I replied, but I didn’t want to rub it in by reminding her about her fear or about all of the nasty things I said about her. Instead, I said, “I scared the whole city. And now I’m so afraid that I’m never gonna win them back. “

“Well, if you came here for me to tell you that everything was going to be OK, I can’t do that. It’s not that easy,” she said sharply.

“I know.”

“Now, I said that it’s not going to be easy. I didn’t say it would be impossible. Personally, I don’t believe in failure, not if you get back up and face the music. It takes time,” Cat said, now fully motivated. She would not feel shame or despair, and she would not let me feel it either. “But if anybody can win this city back, it’s you.”

I looked at her, amazed that this fierce woman that I had abused could now look at me so gently. It made me melt inside. I sighed and started to say, “I’m so sorry that…”

“No,” Cat said sternly, pointing right at me. “You’ve already apologized. Never apologize twice.”

I nodded and swallowed.

“The same goes for tomorrow,” she continued. She reached out and pointed to the city, while stepping behind me, so I could see her finger as if it were my own. “I’ll give you a chance to apologize to the city. Say you’re sorry just once. And then make sure you never have to apologize again.”

I nodded, as I looked where she pointed: A school. A church. Cars driving home on the highway.

A strong breeze blew my hair in front of my face.

“Oh, here,” Cat said, as she corralled the hairs with her fingers, and trapped my loose curls behind my head. Then she rubbed my shoulders gently.

I closed my eyes. Cat’s heartbeat sounded louder, and I could feel the warmth of her body as she moved closer to me.

I reclined my head against her chest, as her touch somehow both relaxed me and planted a seed of anticipation. I couldn’t move. Finally I asked, “Can I just sit here for a little while?”

Cat gently kissed the back of my head. “Of course”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it! I had planned to make this last chapter longer, to really give Kara/Cat some extra attention, but every way I looked at it, less felt like more. The TV show's last scene on the balcony was already intimate, and didn't need much of a push. What do you think? I hope it satisfies. (Check out my other story if you want to see what happens next)


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